your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
