She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dicks are not precious.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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