Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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