they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
