Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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