please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
