I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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