I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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