So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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