dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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