hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
