im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
