Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
