my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
