You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
as a side note pls kill me
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