Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
