Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
