i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
