i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
