And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
