You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
