Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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