What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
