Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
