I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
