wanna go halves on a baby?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
