I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Enjoy the penises
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
