I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
