I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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