Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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