on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We're too hungover to prance.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
