Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
