people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
