Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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