fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
