You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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