If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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