what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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