I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
