A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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