why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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