I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
