I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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