Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
