It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
