Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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