sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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