I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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