I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
