yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
