there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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