how can u be prego again
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
