Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
