1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
