he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's shark week go big or go home
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
