I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
